I AM A FRONT DESK CLERK,

I have advanced degrees in accounting, public relations, marketing, business, computer science, civil engineering and Swahili.

Of course, I have the reservation that you booked six years ago though you don't have the confirmation number and you think that it was made under a name that starts with "X".

It is not a problem for me to give you seven connecting, nonsmoking poolside suites with two king beds each, four rollaways, and yes, I can install a wet bar. I know it is my fault that we do not have a helicopter-landing pan.

I am a front desk clerk; I am expected to speak all languages. It is obvious to me that when you booked your reservation for Friday that you really meant Saturday. My company has entrusted me with all financial information and decisions, and yes, I can tell you why your bill from March 1989 contained a 25-cent phone charge because obviously you never pay for phone charges.

I understand that McGillieutty's Widget manufacturing is a vast empire that will make or break our hotel. Yes, I am lying to you when I say we have no rooms available. It is not a problem for me to quickly construct several more Guestrooms. This time I will not forget the helicopter-landing pad.

I am a front desk clerk, I am quite capable of checking three people in, two people out, taking five reservations, answering fifteen incoming calls and plunging the toilet in room 221…all at the same time.

I always know where to find the best vegetarian, kosher, Mongolian barbecue restaurants. I know exactly what to see and do in this city in fifteen minutes without spending any money. I take personal blame for airline food, traffic jams, rental car flat tires and the national economy. I realize that you meant to book your reservation here. People often confuse us with the Galaxy Delight Motel of Antarctica. Of course I can "fit you in" and yes, you may have the special one-dollar rate because you are affiliated with the Hoboken Accounting and Bagel Club.

I am expected to smile, empathize, sympathize, console, cajole, upsell, downsell (and know when to do which), perform, sing, dance and fix the printer.

I am a front desk clerk; I do all things…and will try to look busy when management's around.