First Kirsten and now Nadine is topless. I haven’t had a sexual encounter in two and a half years and in spite of my worldly understanding and their obviously non-sexual intent, Adam and I are taking turns staring. I don’t want to be affected; I want to be disciplined and cool. I want them to notice my lack of response and careless half-lidded glances. I also know that if I thought they did want me to stare, I would. I tend to become whatever it is I think they want; to go to where they are. I hate this fact. I so desire to be desired that I am losing myself. I feel myself changing to impress or seduce or attract women. Like other animals, women detect this lack of sincerity and excessive adaptability and it repulses them; how could they trust you?
If you want to attract someone, don’t go to where they are or have been. Go to where they want to be.
14 year old boys on rocks
Next to their 15 year old girlfriends
Smoking pot and sneaking glances
At the topless women in the cold water downstream.
Now I am swimming with Nadine and she is topless. She reminds me of a mermaid, obviously, and is smiling politely; perfectly. She is enduring my weak conversation.
