Take the Sail Down!

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Take the Sail Down!

On a sunny day, I was watching sailboats dance on the water at the lake. Suddenly dark clouds rolled in and the wind began to howl. I couldn’t believe my eyes, for sails on 200 boats disappeared! I later learned that it is critical for sailors to lower their sails in a stiff wind to prevent boats from overturning and masts from splitting.

We all have angry and anxious moments during the day. Anger is powerful and valuable. It can protect us if we understand it, recognize the feelings and use the emotions wisely. When a squall comes up in our lives, do we have the wisdom to take the sail down? We have busy, fast paced lives. In moments, dark clouds can appear. Do we trim our sails, or put up resistance to those who are blowing and raging? Do we defend our position, demand respect, fill with indignation and get blown by the winds of others? Or do we take down our sails, and manage in a way that we can later admire?

We hear that others can take away our respect, but respect is something we carry within us. If we do not have a sense of security, we may rage about the insults of others, or force a show of deference, but it will not gain regard. In fact, it often diminishes our security. We simply can not ‘get respect’ from others by demanding it. We also lose respect through anger or violence. We often diminish our own sense of respect as we look back at frenzied actions.

Perhaps we do not always know we are angry. If the wind blows, the white caps on the waves let a sailor know how hard the wind is blowing. We don’t come with dash board indicators. We can be surprised by anger, and we may not recognize how quickly it affects us! We monitor the dash in our car for overheating, but we may not see we are nearing the boiling point.

Recognizing and managing emotions is both stimulating and powerful. Sports announcers refer to it as “staying in our own game.” When others might enrage us and send us flying across the bay or make us ‘snap’, we need not respond in kind. We take our own sail down. When someone cuts us off on the highway, we congratulate ourselves for being vigilant and return focus to the road. If someone walks by without speaking, we assume it comes from preoccupation.

When we stay in an “offensive” position and move at our own pace rather than taking over another’s anxiety, irritation or rage, we are powerful. We can respect ourselves rather than looking for respect from others. When we fail to sense our own moods, we contribute to our own victimization as well as being the victims of others.

Since each of us has a different internal gauge, personal boiling point and individual ways of coping with life, we need to find our own form of using our emotional intelligence. The following suggestions may help formulate a plan:

• Wait out a storm of words by thinking about how to understand the person

• Recognize who is angry in a group and don’t engage in the exchange
  • distract a group or class by changing the subject
    
  • tell a funny story
    
  • come back later when there is less stress

• If hurt by another, self soothe in a way that uplifts and changes the focus
  • Take deep breaths and verbalize waiting for the gust to blow over
    
  • Put on music that lifts the mood, singing or whistling with the song
    
  • Exercise vigorously
    
  • Nibble on something, or if a smoker, stop and light up
    
  • Make a cup of tea or cappuccino and get fully involved in the ritual
    
  • Throw a 20 minute pity party - find a solitary place, first crying or letting off steam, then feeling sorry for self if needed. Finally, let the anger or hurt dissolve while looking for a way to move forward without hurting self or others
    
  • If on the highway, pull over and let the “accident looking for a place to happen” move out of sight
    
  • If at home, engage in a solitary activity -- vacuum, shower, sweep or water with the hose, and don’t mentally replay the issue
    
  • If disciplining a child, turn into a mute rag doll and walk away. Address concerns later when no longer so personally invested or indignant
    
  • Change your focus by prayer or meditation
    
  • Develop an attitude of trust, looking for justification for others not just for self

1. Observe your class and make antecdotal notes of times when irritation, anger or emotional overload occur.
   
   
2. List times you get upset and suggest alterative activities to lighten the mood and prevent anger stealing self respect and peace of mind.
   
   
3. Make a list of ways that anger can be defused in the classroom

E-mail J'Anne Ellsworth at Janne.Ellsworth@nau.edu

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