Online Lesson: My Story

By way of getting us in the proper mindset for the nature and purpose of qualitative research! -- I'd like to start us off by "telling you my story:"

My name is Mary Dereshiwsky and I hold a Ph.D. in Applied Statistics from the University of Massachusetts - Amherst. Ever since I could remember, I've had a love of numbers and quantitative things in general! Since so many people have (or develop as a result of school) an aversion to math and statistics, frankly, I've often wondered about the "reasons" for that. If I had to guess, I'd say the following was a big factor. I'm an only child of immigrant (war refugee) parents who emigrated to this country from Eastern Europe. True to their cultural norms, my parents revered the idea of education as bringing glory and honor to one's family. But beyond that, some of my earliest memories are of me playing math games with my dad. Daddy always had an obvious and genuine love of math. When he talked about it, and especially when we played math games, you could see that he really was into what he was doing! His eyes would light up and he would be having the time of his life! Also, I think, that in this play activity, he got across to me some very critical points: a) that math could be fun and doable (instead of scary); b) that it was as natural for a "girl" to love doing math as anything else. In other words, I never, ever got the messages, starting from this play activity on, that: 1) math is 'supposed to be awful - a real drag!' or 2) girls aren't 'supposed to like or be good at math.' Simply put: the activities and expectations were: this'll be fun and of course you can be good at it?! why not? And I'll never forget the day that I told both my parents I wanted to take a concentration (along with an Education major) in math in college: the immediate and very sincere reaction was, "Why, that's wonderful!" and big smiles. So maybe it is all in the earliest experiences and what is being modeled as an expectation. It just never occurred to me that I was supposed to 'hate' it, or not be 'good' at it -- so why not follow my heart and mind?!

I won't for a minute try and tell you that it was smooth sailing all the way! Especially at the doctoral level! I can remember, so many times, sitting in class in a blind panic while the professor would be racing on through Step # 333 of an impossibly convoluted (and totally non-understandable!) proof. And I'd look to the right of me and not one hand would be raised. So -- I'd invariably think, "Oh-oh! Everybody else must understand it just fine! I'm the only one who's lost!" And I'd crawl home with fear, thinking, what will I do?! But eventually I came up with a plan: instead of panicking in class, just take good, copious, detailed notes. And -- don't worry about not understanding it right off the bat! Try to stay calm and focused, write it all down -- even the tossed-off side comments that the professor made (which would invariably be the key to understanding what the whole thing really meant in the first place); go home after class, take a break, unwind -- and then when you're ready, spread your notes and books out on your bed and just go through it -- again -- and again -- and again --- and eventually I found it would come together! So what if it took me 25 tries?! No one is keeping score, and that "oh, I get it!" eureka would come! And the feeling of pride and relief would be worth every one of those 25 tries!

I'll never forget the day when it all came together for me. I was sitting in my doctoral multivariate statistics seminar. The professor was, as usual, rushing through the stuff at breakneck speed, "talking in derivatives and integrals" instead of plain-English ideas -- and as usual, no one was saying a word, just sitting there numb and kind of blank-faced. At one point, he (the professor) stopped and turned to the class and kind of tossed off a question: "What do we call it when you factor a matrix into the product of 3 matrices?"

Well, I don't know about you: but did you ever have the experience of being so paralyzed with an emotion -- say, fear -- that you didn't even realize that you'd spoken up and said something? That sure was the case that day. I mean - I thought I actually knew the answer but that there was no way that I could possibly know what I was doing in there and, therefore, be right! So while I'd thought I'd just "thought it to myself," I must've actually mumbled it: "Singular decomposition."

Before I knew it, the professor was standing right in front of me. "Would you say that again -- louder?" I could barely move and saw that folks to the right and left of me had about frozen in their seats.

"Well," I thought to myself, "Now the whole class is about to find out what I've suspected all along -- that I don't have the foggiest notion of what I'm doing. So, hey, I'll get to embarrass myself in front of everyone now! But what choice do I have?!"

So -- I said it a little louder, the breath barely escaping my lungs. "Uh, singular decomposition ... ?"

To my amazement: the professor thundered: "THAT'S RIGHT!!" I could hear someone in the row in back of me exclaim out loud, "WOW!!!!" As for me, well, you could about have felt the fairy dust drop out of the sky and cover me with glory! I'll tell you: you could have knocked me over with a feather. I never thought it could happen in a million years! And, I mean: NEVER in "Wild Bill" Dillon's doctoral seminar! I mean -- we're talking about a guy who derived many of the highest-level multivariate statistics we use today!!!

Suddenly I thought, wow, maybe I'm not as 'dumb' or incompetent as I thought I was! Maybe I do have enough of the 'right stuff' to get through this course -- and excel in my beloved statistics! I started to look at myself and my potential with fresh new eyes. And then -- when we took our finals and I ended up with a 97 and "Good job" written in bold red by "Wild Bill", well, that cinched it. I still have that exam. Wild Bill was not exactly known for giving out positive reinforcement, if you get my drift! I'd say a "good" from him is worth at least 1,001 "Excellent's" from anyone else! To this day, when I'm struggling madly to unravel some mysterious new computer procedure, or deal with unfathomable bureaucratic rules and regulations, or just get through the passing mood of a bad day -- well, all I have to do is remember the preceding, and it's like I've gotten my "insulin shot" of "you can do it, Mary; hang in there and WIN!"

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E-mail M. Dereshiwsky at statcatmd@aol.com
Call M. Dereshiwsky at (520) 523-1892

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