ASK DOCTOR REILLY©

COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE TO WORKING WITH MY FRIENDS

I. LEGAL CONSIDERATIONS

A. DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours

II. HOW WOMEN CAN GET ALONG WITH MY FRIENDS

A. HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats

B. HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's
a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

II. HOW MEN CAN GET ALONG WITH MY FRIENDS

A. TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

1. A dog does not shop.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.

5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.

8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
10.A dog's parents will never visit you.

III. HOW BOTH MEN & WOMEN CAN GET ALONG WITH MY FRIENDS

A. LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.